Step Darkly Read online

  “I want to go to the house.” Her words are quiet as she stands beside me, pulling a tissue from her pocket and wiping her mouth.

  She won’t look directly at me and she pushes out of my grip and moves to the passenger seat.

  Opening the door, I let her into my car a second time and close it behind her a little more gently than I did the last time as I walk around to my side and get back in.

  Without a word, I put the car into drive and begin the rest of the ride home, in silence.

  We still have one part of her punishment to deal with when we get back and she’s not going to like it.

  11

  Emilia

  My head was filled with one thought for the rest of the silent drive home.

  What is happening to me?

  Everything I worked so hard to accomplish over the last five years is being unravelled piece by pathetic piece.

  I can’t allow myself to become unguarded and put into positions like this. Drinking excessively was a poor choice and I’m paying for it.

  The house feels empty without my father in it. Everything has changed. Everything but me it seems.

  I tried for five years to put everything behind me and it all unraveled in less than a day. I’m still the same little girl on the inside.

  Feelya Emilia.

  Dammit. I thought I had dealt with everything. I thought I was stronger than this.

  Laying across the hood of Joshua’s car was surreal. I’ve dealt with nothing. In fact, I’m going in a direction I never knew existed.

  In that little moment, I welcomed his punishment. I needed it. When his first spank landed, something opened. I felt like I had somewhere to put all of my anger. A floodgate I never knew existed appeared and I felt lighter.

  But this is Joshua. I can’t allow a repeat of this. Not with him. I’ll never make it through the year in this house.

  I wish Kyle was here. He is always so easy to talk to. How am I going to tell him I won’t be back for the year? His psychology classes have helped provide a great deal of insight into some things I was dealing with.

  This day has become too much to fight and I fall in line behind Joshua as he unlocks the front door and walks quietly up the stairs.

  Opening the door to my room, he steps back to let me enter and as I pass him, I catch the scent of his citrusy cologne.

  “You’ll sleep in your old room tonight. This is your punishment for leaving both without notifying or asking me.” The sound of his voice sounds loud in the quiet house. This is the first time he’s spoken to me since the roadside and memories of him spanking me flood into me, humbling me and I can’t meet his eyes.

  I’m too embarrassed. I asked for it.

  I turn once more to look around my room. I really don’t want to be in here tonight but maybe I’m tired enough that I’ll sleep until morning then I can approach him and ask for new accommodations when I’m better-rested.

  “We have the weekend to get used to this arrangement, Emilia. Go to sleep. I’m just down the hall and Ms. Billings is still on staff in her quarters. We will speak tomorrow.” He looks exhausted as he steps into the hall and I waste no time shutting the door between us.

  I don’t like being so close to him.

  My bags are where I left them and I shuffle over to my old bed and look around as my phone buzzes in my pocket. My roommate, Kelly.

  Kelly: Just got off work. What’s going on? Sandra said some guys came in earlier with a school admin and boxed your stuff up. They said you aren’t coming back.

  Me: Yeah. My plans changed. I just found out. I’m to remain here for awhile. Problem with the estate. I’ll message when I know more.

  Kelly: As long as you’re okay. Kyle was by asking about you. Word is going around that you’re leaving for good.

  Me: I’m okay. Thanks. I’ll text later.

  I turn the phone off and drop it on the bed. Everyone else knows I’m here for at least the weekend and I need some silence to process everything.

  As for Kyle, I have no idea what I’m going to tell him. I met him a year ago at a campus party and we had just decided to start seeing each other. Now I’m here and I don’t know where this leaves us.

  As I unpack, I remember I only packed my light babydoll to sleep in. I was supposed to be by myself in a hotel room right now.

  Moving to my dresser, sure enough the clothes I left behind are all still here and my heart breaks at the thought that dad held on to everything, waiting for me to return. And now everything is too late.

  An ugly cry bursts out of me as my favorite memories of him come back to me. Life was supposed to be so different. My father was supposed to be in it and Joshua was supposed to be gone.

  And I still haven’t eaten.

  As the thought hits me, I remember I tossed a granola bar in my bag when I left this morning. Diving my hand all of the way to the bottom of the bag, I find my treasure, wrapped in a little package and pull it out, tearing off the wrapper and chewing it down quickly between my tears.

  Then I catch my breath as I pull out my old pajamas from my dresser which I know are no longer going to fit me as I’ve grown.

  Babydoll it is, I think to myself as I pull everything onto the floor and get changed.

  The granola bar will have to do. I’m not sure I can stomach anything else anyway.

  I just want today to be over.

  Old pictures of me cover my dresser and used notebooks still sit on my desk in a neat pile. I worked so hard to get away from here and my hard work over the last five years have only brought me back.

  Today wasn’t supposed to end like this and I need to sort out a plan of my own to stay sane until I find my way out.

  For now, I don’t want to look at these reminders. Pulling the sheets off the bed, I cover as much as I can in the room.

  Climbing onto the bed I never thought I’d sleep in again, I close my eyes and pray when I wake up, it will all just be a dream.

  It’s only for one night.

  What’s the worst that could happen?

  12

  Joshua

  All of these conflicting feelings refuse to quiet in my head and it is now two in the morning and I’m still awake, processing the events from yesterday and this evening.

  I worked hard under Adam and I pride myself on maintaining a controlled level of indifference around everyone. It’s what makes me great at what I do.

  But then there’s Emilia.

  No matter what she does, it eats at me. She gets under my skin whether she’s happy, sad, angry or defiant. She pushes buttons I didn’t even know I had. But the one button she pushed tonight is the one I can’t get out of my head.

  My mind won’t stop replaying the sound of her sweet voice when she said yes to my punishment. I’m even more surprised at myself for pushing for it.

  My control was gone, replaced by instinct and a need to clear the slate between us and she felt it too. I know she did.

  But now I’m releasing some of my own power. By taking control over her, I hadn’t realized I’d be giving some of my own up. Now I’m here, in the middle of the night with a brain that won’t stop processing everything over and over again.

  Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling isn’t going to get me to sleep any faster and a short walk to the kitchen might assist me in finding something to help me sleep.

  Walking barefoot down the hall in the dark, I instantly perk up at the sound of muffled sobs. As I step closer to Emilia’s room, they increase in volume and I imagine she’s crying a lot louder than I hear her as these doors are solid wood.

  As I stalk up to her door, I place my ear as close as I can to listen.

  Has she been up all night crying?

  I decide to leave her to ponder her own choices and fate and turn to step away from the door when a wail jolts me out of the still of the night.

  Without another thought, I spin back to the door and open it to try to help and I’m faced with… nothing.

  Her b ed sheets are draped over her little vanity and her comforter is over her desk area. It almost looks like she’s tried to cover up her past.

  And there she lies, still asleep, on top of a sheet-less bed, wrapped around one of her pillows as she buries her face into it and cries.

  She’s dreaming.

  As I round the bed to sit beside her, I hear her muttering the words no and stop to herself over and over again and she reminds me of her younger self for a moment. This is no dream, it’s a nightmare.

  I lean in a little closer to give her arm a shake and her eyes shoot open as she gasps for air. The moonlight in the room sparkles against the tears covering her face and I hear her take a few short breaths before she leans into me.

  The force of her weight against me almost sends me backward off the bed as she wraps her arms around my midsection and she pushes her face into my chest.

  Impulsively, I pull her closer in a deep embrace as I sit on her bed and my heart pounds into my chest. I’m confused that she is allowing me this close to her.

  Her wet cheeks snuggle against my bare skin and I take a few moments to sit still while I chastise myself for only wearing my pajama pants outside of my room. She’s trembling in my arms and her skin is cold. It’s just now I realize she is wearing barely anything and I follow the light of the moon over her curves.

  Her little nightie is sheer white and there is just enough light in the room that I can see the crevices in her skin through the thin fabric.

  What feels like long minutes pass between us until her arms begin to loosen around me and her breathing evens out.

  “I can’t stay here.” Her voice trails off as she begins to drift back into sleep and, looking around her disheveled room, I have to agree with her.

  I stand and pick her up with me. Cradling her tired body in my arms, I walk into the hall, unsure of where to go. Only two other rooms have beds that are made, her father’s old room and my own.

  I think, under the circumstances, waking up in her father’s bed might be more damaging to her emotional state right now so I turn into my room and walk the distance to my bed.

  Placing her down on the mattress, she rolls over onto her side, facing me and I lift the covers over her scantily-clad body as my eyes wander over her and I catch a small glimpse of her nipples through the transparent material before I quickly look away, pulling the covers up and tucking them around her neck.

  It’s hard to imagine the room around me is so quiet. The sounds inside of me are screaming out. My heart is pounding into my ears and I’m not so sure having her this close to me for the next year is such a good idea after all.

  I shouldn’t want anything to do with her.

  But I do.

  I want to be her shoulder to cry on, I want to provide her punishment and I want to help her overcome her nightmares and everything else holding her back from being who I know she is.

  And I want her to want things. Things I sense I can pull out of her if the circumstances were different.

  What is happening to me?

  I can’t process all of this on lack of sleep.

  Grabbing an extra pillow out of the closet, I close the door to my room behind me and make my way into the office. I’ll sleep on the couch in there for the rest of the night.

  Our year together hasn’t even started and I’m already aware this next year is going to be a series of challenges and a turning point for the both of us. I just need to figure out what direction I’m going in.

  13

  Emilia

  The pounding in my head hits me before I open my eyes as I roll over to reach out for my phone and my hand falls short, only finding more bed.

  This isn’t my bed. The thought confuses me for a moment before I remember, I’m not on my little double bed in my dorm room anymore.

  Dread sets in as I open my eyes to face my old room and I bolt up, disoriented as my stomach is left behind on the bed.

  The night slowly trickles back as I recall Rosie and the girls, then Sean and Noah and finally Joshua.

  Oh damn. Joshua. This isn’t good.

  I went to sleep in my old bed last night and I don’t remember anything except that I’m extremely tired still.

  A wave of disappointment washes over me. I spent five years away from here and on my first night back, my nightmares must have returned. And, judging by the lived in state of this room, I’m in Joshua’s bed.

  Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I smell the cup on the nightstand before I see it.

  Sitting on a piece of paper with a note scribbled across it. I would recognize Sylvia’s handwriting anywhere.

  Glad to have you back home. Drink this.

  Picking the glass up to my nose as if holding it closer will make it smell better, I take a sniff of the contents.

  Phew! I’d know that smell anywhere. I’ve had this drink once before. I was underage and Rosie stayed over one night in high school and we broke into the liquor cabinet in the sitting area. We were both so sick the next day and Sylvia made us drink this creation. It worked in minutes. I was always too afraid to ask her what was in it. It smells like dirty socks and grass with a hint of apple.

  Holding my breath I knock it back, breathe it out of my mouth and decide to get out of the room before Joshua returns.

  As I near my own room, I hear shuffling coming from inside and I’m not ready to face him yet. Spinning on my feet I jog down the hall and into the bathroom to get a shower in instead.

  I release a sigh of relief as I open the door and rush through, closing it quickly and dropping my forehead against the cool wood. I’m momentarily thankful I’ve avoided him when a voice freezes me in place.

  “You really should knock. Someone could be naked in here.” Joshua’s tone sounds entertained as I spin around and make eye contact with his muscular body.

  Then I realize he is right. Someone could be naked in here. And that someone is Joshua Darkly.

  His entire body stays still as I try to maintain contact with his eyes, but I can’t. His confidence is doing something to my sanity and, as my eyes begin to take in his sculpted chest, I understand how the guy has no shame.

  This is the kind of body you see in magazines. His chest flows deliciously into his rock hard abs which drop into a perfectly angled V, pointing right at his thick-

  “See anything you want, Emilia?” He asks the question and my brain instantly screams everything at me then I remember who I’m talking to and I straighten in place.

  I shouldn’t want anything from Joshua—other than my father’s company.

  “Cover yourself up.” I demand, meeting his eyes as his own drop down my body.

  “I should tell you the same thing, but I’m rather enjoying myself.” As I look down to see what might be open, I’m suddenly hit with my see-through nightie.

  Dammit. I forgot I only had this to sleep in. I can see my chest right through the thin material and my nipples are pointing right at Joshua; he can see them too.

  My confidence fades fast and I step to the side and pull a towel off the rack, clutching it in front of me, then offer a defiant shrug. I won’t be clawing any of my pride back in here.

  I’ve amused him and Joshua lets out a quiet chuckle at my expense, catching me off guard. I haven’t heard him laugh in a long time.

  Picking up a towel of his own, he secures it around his hips and his face returns to the calm composed expression I’m used to.

  “Where were we? Oh yes. I was about to get in the shower and you were…” He lets his sentence linger as he waits for me to make up an excuse and I’ve got nothing.

  Even wrapped in a towel, I’m drawn to him and I’m instantly irritated because my brain is obviously not connecting properly with the rest of my body.

  “I thought I heard you in my room.” I offer meekly and he takes a second to consider me before responding.

  “I’ve asked Sylvia to begin making up the other room. She’s probably collecting your belongings.” He answer s and doesn’t offer anymore.

  “Oh. Thank you.” I answer quietly and I suddenly begin to feel bad.

  I thought I’d have to fight my case to get out of my old room after my behaviour last night.

  “But you thought it was me, and you ran in here… what?... to avoid me?” His voice drops as he asks his question.

  “Well, I-” I start, then stop as I try to swallow my strength back down as he takes a slow step toward me and starts to speak again.

  “And why, Emilia, would you feel the need to avoid being near me?” I know what he’s suggesting and if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t know if he’s right and I push myself back against the door.

  “I-” My heart begins to beat harder against my chest.

  Matching me with another step of his own, he continues. “Are you feeling particularly bad about anything that happened between us, Emilia?”

  With every step into me, the air becomes hot and heavy and I take another step back to give myself some space, but he doesn’t allow my retreat and he steps with me again.

  “N… no. I-” There are no words in the English language that I can think of right now to get myself out of this and I’m not sure I want to.

  “Or maybe you’re feeling good about it. Do you think we might have some unresolved business we should explore together?” His words sing around inside my head as I push myself into the door as hard as I can.

  A smile begins to grow across his lips. Taking his last step into me, his body becomes flush with mine and he leans into me, knowing I have nowhere to go.

  Slowly, reaching up in between us, he takes the towel from my hands and removes it, exposing my thinly covered body to him.

  “Tell you what. Why don’t you take this little thing off, get in the shower with me and I’ll clean all of last night off of your body... my Emilia.” His arrogance sends goosebumps across my exposed skin as he whispers into my ear while his fingers twirl around a strand of my hair.