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  “Oh. Look at that. We’ve officially lost cell service. Now you have to talk to me.” Alexandra waives her phone between us in the front seat before turning it off and dropping it into her purse.

  She’s been all smiles since we picked her up for the trip out to the cabin.

  Emilia seemed happy to see her as well as she jumped in the back seat, offering Lexa the passenger’s seat beside me so she could catch up on some sleep on the drive out of town.

  “You know I don’t mind talking to you. I’m just thinking about some things.” I answer.

  “I know. A lot has changed.” Her response is both hesitant and solemn. “I miss him so much.”

  “I know.”

  We drive on in silence for a few minutes before she speaks again.

  “It’s bittersweet. Losing Adam but meeting Emilia. She’s exactly like he described her. She has his patience although I think in her it’s more like a guard. She does a great job of restraining herself so you can’t tell what she’s thinking at times, unless you ask. Kind of like someone else I know.” She reaches across the seat to touch my arm as she continues, “How has everything been?” Her voice is a little low and I don’t want to chance Emilia waking up and hearing us talk about her.

  “Emilia has been doing well considering the circumstances.”

  “That’s not what I’m asking.” I’ve been waiting for her to push me on the subject.

  Alexandra has been present when I’ve voiced my concerns on Emilia’s flippant decisions. I was never on her side for anything and I always played devil’s advocate with Adam. What Lexa doesn’t know is my feelings for her now.

  I know she can’t reconcile my description of Emilia with the woman sleeping in the back seat. She can’t, because I was wrong and I haven’t had a chance to tell her yet.

  “Maybe we can talk about that later. I don’t want to wake Emilia up until we get there. She needs to rest. This weekend will be tiring for all of us.” As I speak, Alexandra looks into the back seat at Emilia.

  “She looks exhausted.”

  I lower my voice and keep my eyes on the road. Alexandra has the gift of reading people really well and I’m not ready to talk about some things. “She’s been busy. She started this week going at top speed. She was up and out the door for school before I woke up and she’s been working every night in her room. She told me she has a project worth most of her grade and she’s starting behind everyone else because the class has already had a few weeks on her to work on it. I’ve barely seen her at all since Wednesday.”

  Lexa chuckles to herself. “She has her father’s work ethic. She’s managing in her new classes then?”

  “Yes. I believe she is. I have a meeting next week with her instructors to make sure she is catching up well.”

  “And how much does she know about your—other—dealings with Adam?” She cautiously lowers her voice.

  “She knows nothing.” My answer is short and Alexandra nods.

  I trust Alexandra like I trust Noah and I know she will keep certain things to herself.

  Pushing a couple of buttons on the dashboard, music flows quietly into the car and Lexa sits back in silence for a moment before continuing her conversation.

  “Moonlight Sonata.” She recognizes the song instantly. “I didn’t realize you liked classical music. You know this was one of-”

  “Adam’s favorite pieces. I know. He’s the one who got me onto classical. He took me to my first symphony after I had a particularly bad week at work and I lost my shit in his office. He told me, real patience and control was sitting quietly in the chaos and letting everything else fall away and listening with my heart, mind and soul to the notes within the madness. It was taking the time to hear the subtleties that everyone else misses. He said if I wasn’t moved after listening to this song, I was not the one in control, my circumstances were. I learned everything from him.” I feel myself choking up as the notes pitch into sadness as I realize there will be no further lessons learned from the man I considered my dearest friend.

  As the song slows and ends, we pull into the lot and Adam’s cabin comes into view. I was so lost in my thoughts, I forgot to give Emilia a three-minute warning to prepare her for our arrival.

  As I turn off the engine, I turn to the backseat and watch Emilia. She’s in a deep sleep and a few strands of her hair flutter as she breathes out. As I reach over to jostle her awake, she makes a soft murmur before I am able to touch her arm and I quickly pull my hand back. I almost don’t want to wake her and I feel like I could sit here and watch her for hours.

  The sound of a throat clearing reminds me, I am not alone in the car and I look over at Alexandra watching me intently and I realize I’ve made a mistake. She knows something is up.

  Glancing back down, I don’t hesitate a second time to gently shake her arm and wake her up. At first she looks at me confused, then a flash of recognition crosses her face as she shifts her gaze between Alexandra and I, then she sits up, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

  “I slept the whole way?”

  “We didn’t want to wake you. Joshua wanted you to rest.” Alexandra answers awkwardly for me then looking back to me, she quickly shrugs her shoulders in apology.

  “Thank you. I guess I needed it more than I thought.” Emilia reaches for her bag and gathers her belongings, then stops suddenly as her eyes travel beyond the two of us in the front seat. Letting out a heavy breath, tears fill her eyes as she looks over the cabin in front of us. “I haven’t been here in seven years.”

  As she speaks, Alexandra involuntarily reaches into the back seat and places her hand on Emilia’s, resting on her leg.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry, Emilia. I know this must be so hard for you. I know we don’t know each other well, but I’m here if you want to talk about anything.” Alexandra looks like she’s about to start crying as well and I change the tone by holding out the keys to the cabin for Emilia and ask if she’d like to take a few minutes to go in on her own before us and she nods and takes them out of my hand.

  As we both turn to watch her make her way up to the cabin, the silence in the car makes my ears ring.

  Alexandra hasn’t moved a muscle since Emilia shut the door and I don’t want to look at her so I keep my attention on Emilia.

  Every few steps she stops and looks in a different direction, no doubt recalling fond memories of her time here with her dad. The old cabin creaks as she steps onto the porch but welcomes her quickly as she places the key in the lock and the door swings open.

  As she disappears into the cabin, I let out a long breath, and then a moment of silence before—

  “When were you going to tell me you have feelings for her?”

  40

  Emilia

  Everything looks just as we left it, seven years ago.

  The blankets are folded in the basket near the fireplace and I’m sure all of the board games we used to play are still stacked in the closet just down the hall.

  There’s only one thing missing. And it’s the most important piece.

  A plume of dust puffs up as I drop my bag onto the sofa and make my way across the cabin to open a drawer near the back door. Without skipping a beat, I pull out one of the flashlights along with a candle and a box of matches as though I left them here yesterday.

  I remember the last time my dad asked me to come out to the cabin with him. I told him I was busy with Rosie that weekend, but the truth is, I sat at home alone.

  I knew dad had invited Joshua out to the cabin with him as well and I didn’t want to be in the same room with him any more. It was right after things happened at school and I was struggling with my own secrets.

  Now I wish I never left home. I made so many mistakes. I ran away and left my dad on his own. As if being whispered in my ear, I hear a voice I don’t recognize.

  I deserve this.

  And maybe I do, but my father didn’t. He deserved a better daughter and I failed him and I can’t fix it now.

  The f
aint sound of car doors closing tells me Joshua and Alexandra will be inside soon and I still need to think some things through.

  With my minimal supplies in hand, I unlock the back door and push my way through and outside. As I hit the tree line, I look back over my shoulder to see Alexandra watching me out the back door and I offer a quick wave to tell her I’m okay before taking off down the little trail we made to the creek over the years.

  There is something I want to do on my own. It won’t make a difference anyway, but I need to talk to my dad now and I need to say some things I should have said over five years ago.

  As I get closer to my destination, I feel myself holding back my tears and it’s almost become painful. I was so afraid back then. I think I still am. I was afraid no one would believe me. I was afraid my dad would be ashamed and I was afraid Joshua would discount me like he always did.

  The trickle of the creek catches my attention and breaks my anxiety as I step into our old garden. My father and I designed this place and planted everything after my mom passed away. Her ashes were spread here after we were done and it’s where we will be putting my father to rest tomorrow.

  Stepping over to the old bench, I run my fingers over the little plaque with my mother’s name on it. I’ll have to get one made for my father now. I take my seat on the left side of the bench. My father always sat on the right.

  The garden is a little overgrown, but it’s nothing a couple of days spent outside can’t fix.

  The fruit trees and bushes have grown strong without any help. Just like the rest of life around here, it went on without me. I remember planting them because we wanted to watch wildlife up here and we decided the berries would bring them in. Only the bird feeders are bare. I’ll need to check the pantry for some leftover seed when I get back to the cabin.

  A little iron holder, just big enough to carry a candle, sits in the centre of the garden. The sun has dropped below the trees and the light is fading. I stand up to brush the old leaves off the holder and place my candle down on it, then strike a match and light it on my first try. Then I sit back in my seat, trying to find the words to start with.

  A long few minutes pass as I watch the flame flicker before I release myself to my pain and let the tears roll down my face.

  “I miss you, Dad. I know I wasn’t here and I regret so many things and I can’t fix any of it. And now I’m back but my home is gone and I feel like there is no place for me anymore. I have nothing to show for the last five years I was away. We were supposed to have more time. I was away trying to become stronger, I was trying to deal with some things, then I was supposed to come back and tell you everything and ask you to forgive me. And now I’m nothing more than a ward in my own home, living by the rules of the person responsible for everything and I’m struggling with so many things I don’t understand. Joshua and his mother are the reason I left. I should have told you what happened to me at school because of her but I was too ashamed. How could I just tell you that those boys cornered me and hurt me because you laid off their dads. I know you were just trying to save your company because that witch took most of your money. You would have blamed yourself.” My cathartic tears continue to fall and I let them come as I continue, “I know you think you were helping me but now I just want to be released. I don’t think I’m strong enough, Dad. I don’t think I can do what you’re asking of me. I have nothing left in me to fight with and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this without you. I need—”

  The sounds of a branch cracking nearby catches my attention and I glance around, suddenly realizing it is getting dark and I should head back before someone comes looking for me. I stand and take one last long look at the flame dancing in the middle of the garden before blowing it out. Pulling out my flashlight, I decide to let the waiting wildlife get their turn at the berries and make my way back to the cabin.

  As I step out of the trees, I see Joshua standing on the porch looking around and he snaps his head in my direction. If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think he looks concerned.

  “I was beginning to worry. It’s getting dark and you two took off as soon as we got here. Where’s Alexandra?” I stop walking in confusion.

  “I don’t know. I went to my parent’s spot for a bit. I didn’t see—”

  “Hey. There you are.” Alexandra’s voice startles me from down the path I just walked. “I went down to the lake to watch the sunset and thought I’d run into you on the way back but we must have missed each other.” She looks a bit winded from the hike and I notice she doesn’t look me in the eyes as she passes me. She looks like she’s been crying as well.

  “Well, come in and get settled. I’ll get the grill going. We haven’t eaten since we left and now with this fresh air, you both must be hungry.”

  My stomach growls as I follow Alexandra quietly back into the cabin and grab my bag. As I turn to walk down the hall to a room, I realize she isn’t following me and I stop and look back at her.

  Lexa looks a little pale and I realize I’m not the only one who is getting used to a new life without my father.

  “I’m sorry, Alexandra.” As I apologize I watch her eyes go wide in her own confusion and I continue, “I should have asked. Have you been here before?” As I speak, I notice Joshua stop working in the kitchen and watch us, but I don’t look his way.

  “Um, yes. I came here with Adam a couple of times.” She answers quietly.

  “I would like to sleep in my old room if possible. It’s the—” then Alexandra joins me in unison as I finish my sentence, “—one in the back.” And we both smile at each other.

  “Yes.” I confirm. “If it’s alright with you. You are welcome to either the other spare room, or my father’s room. Whatever you are comfortable with. I’ll be out for dinner in a bit. I’d just like to wash up.” I finish my sentence, then turn to Joshua and I momentarily feel as though looking at him means I’m asking permission to leave and he offers me a small nod in silence.

  As I turn, I catch Alexandra watching me and I can’t quite make out the look on her face as I leave them in the main area and head to my room.

  41

  Joshua

  “Go ahead. Say what you want to say. I’m surprised you held out this long.” I take a long sip of my drink and keep my eyes on the flame burning hot in the fireplace.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alexandra replies from under a blanket on the couch and I shake my head.

  “I know you, Lexa. You’ve been dying to talk about what happened in the car yesterday when we first got here. You’ve been watching both of us rather closely all day.” Her feigned ignorance is trying my patience.

  We had a productive, emotional and busy day. Since the sunrise is on her side of the cabin, Emilia was up at the crack of dawn and I found her mid-morning in the garden, pulling weeds and pruning branches. We quietly returned Adam’s ashes to the earth when the sun was highest in the sky and Emilia kept her hands busy for the rest of the day and now she is sound asleep in her room.

  It’s a good time to talk, if any. If I don’t control the timing of this conversation, Alexandra will most likely choose an inopportune time so I offer her an ultimatum. “We talk now, or the conversation is off the table.”

  Alexandra stares at me for a moment. She knows I’m offering her a chance. One I may never offer again.

  “Okay. But first, I want to say thank you—again. Being here and helping to spread Adam’s ashes today was…” she unexpectedly chokes on her words as she swallows hard and continues, “...it meant so much to me, Joshua.”

  “He loved you, Lexa. He talked about you all the time.” Alexandra nods at my words. I know she knows how he felt. Those two were meant to find each other.

  “And Emilia is wonderful, too.” She lets her words linger in the room. It isn’t just a statement. It also carries a question.

  Alexandra wants to know how I went from being Emilia’s worst critic to someone who cares for her, so quickly.
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  “Emilia has surprised me and proven me wrong on a couple of things. We are both taking this time to get used to our new dynamic.” I answer concisely.

  “Joshua. I don’t know how to dance around this so I’m just going to say it. I’ve known you for four years and I’ve never seen you look at another woman the way you looked at Emilia while she slept in the car. You were tender with her. Almost protective.” I watch her in my peripheral vision as she continues to examine my reactions.

  “Of course. She is my ward for the year and I will do everything I can to see Adam’s wishes—”

  “You and I both know it isn’t just your guardianship, Joshua. Talk to me.” The concern in her voice catches my attention and I return her stare.

  I know she’s right. How I feel for Emilia deserves to be honored. I won’t hide her away like a dirty secret. Not with Alexandra.

  “Fine. I was wrong—about Emilia. I put her in a box a long time ago and gave her a label and I wouldn’t give her the chance to change my mind. I closed her off from me and pushed her away until she just didn’t come back and I thought I was happy with that, but I wasn’t. Then when she came home, I wanted to punish her. I wanted to punish her for leaving Adam—and me. I knew Adam put that caveat in the will. I justified it because of the label I gave her and I couldn’t wait to make her pay for leaving and I thought I was happy with that, but I wasn’t. Now she’s here and she’s forced to live under my rules and I’m learning how wrong I’ve been and I want to be happy with her, but I don’t know how to get to that point anymore.” I stop talking.

  This is the most honest I’ve been with myself about Emilia. I know exactly what I want.

  “I don’t want this arrangement. I want Emilia to be here because she wants to be. Because she knows it’s what is best for her and it is what will make her happy. I don’t want her to be legally bound to me. I want…”

  “You want her to freely submit to you.” The heavy truth in Alexandra’s statement startles me. “Joshua, are you saying you want her to be yours?”