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  Words flow freely from his lips, but I no longer have any understanding of what is going on outside the waves that are currently radiating through me. All I feel is my body reacting to each jolt as my orgasm courses through me and I struggle to suck in air before I pass out.

  Seconds become minutes as my body exhausts itself into a heap in his arms.

  As soon as the intensity leaves my body, Joshua turns me to him and wraps me up in a tight embrace and I notice he’s still clothed as his shirt sticks to my face. The water is still falling down all around us in a sharp echo off the tiled walls.

  Then slowly, piece by piece, the entire room comes back into focus as my endorphin high seems to drain from my body and I feel lifeless in his arms.

  “You’re okay, Emilia. I’m here. You—”

  His words float off into the room as my body feels lighter than it ever has and darkness creeps in.

  34

  Joshua

  The only thing keeping Emilia awake last night was her anger. The pain she felt built inside of her until it controlled her and there was no way she was getting any sleep if it wasn’t dealt with.

  I can play the martyr all I want though and say I did this for her, but I did this as much for myself.

  We both needed the outcome last night provided.

  Emilia needs to know she has a place that very much wants her. She needs to know I want all of her, even the darkest parts she tries to hide away. And I needed to set a course for us. I needed to show her I will help her when she needs and I will protect her when she is vulnerable.

  And I needed to possess her, to rule her and take care of her.

  The intensity with which she responded was a welcome shock. She moved under my hands, letting go of her hesitations and offering herself to me. Watching her body shudder under each smack, then feeling her grip tight around my fingers as she gave me everything with her release was beyond anything I have ever imagined, with anyone.

  But the one thing above all else was her voice. The sound of her voice when she told me she was mine.

  She is mine.

  And now I sit in my chair, watching her sleep naked in my bed and I’m filled with peace. Last night was the release we both needed.

  As the sun stretches into the room, it is slowly creeping up to my bed where she’s sleeping soundly. I could close the curtains and let her sleep as long as she’d like, but today is an important day and it’s going to be a challenging one for Emilia so she should get up soon.

  Carrying her out of the bathroom last night, I know I had the option to take her to her own room, but I couldn’t leave her on her own. I made the choice to bring her to my room and I carefully removed her wet nightie in the dark and wrapped her tightly in my blankets.

  She slept through everything. Her body and mind were exhausted. Then I took my place beside her in my bed and fell asleep quickly myself.

  Footsteps in the hall catch my attention and I sit quietly, waiting for them to pass when I hear them stop. A soft knock on Emilia’s room causes me to jump out of my seat and hurry to my door.

  Entering the hallway, I see a small look of concern on Sylvia’s face as she notices me walking toward her.

  “Oh, good morning, Joshua. I was just coming to check on Emilia.”

  “Emilia is not in her room, Sylvia.” I answer. “She’s asleep in mine.”

  Her eyes go wide at my words and I offer no more explanation.

  “Oh, I see. Is she okay?” She asks slowly and I smile.

  Emilia is lucky to have Sylvia. If she thought for a minute I would harm her, I have no doubt I would hear about it.

  “It’s a difficult time for her. For all of us. She will be okay.” I respond.

  “Okay. I’ll make breakfast. Her friend will be by shortly.” She offers as more of a suggestion for me to get Emilia up and ready and I nod.

  Turning back toward my room, I hear some rustling inside and I open the door to greet Emilia only to see the joining door to our rooms close. Glancing to the bed, her pajamas are gone too and it sets me back.

  I wanted the chance to speak to her and she’s run away from me again. I’ll take solace in knowing this time, she can’t go far and it is just a matter of time before we will have the chance to talk about it.

  For now, I’ll give her space but I won’t leave her alone. Today she is burying her father. I won’t let her do it by herself.

  For the next half an hour, Emilia did a stellar job of avoiding me while we dressed.

  Making my way down to the dining room, I see Rosalyn has already arrived and the three women are chatting quietly over coffee. Judging by the conversation, Sylvia hasn’t said anything about this morning to either women and it isn’t lost on me that Emilia isn’t making eye contact.

  “Good morning.” I greet the table as I grab my own coffee and everyone answers back.

  “I thought the four of us could go together in the car if that’s okay with everyone. Emilia can use your support today.” At the mention of her name, she shifts in her seat as she speaks softly.

  “I’d like that. Thank you.”

  The rest of our breakfast is eaten quietly with the occasional comment from Rosalyn or Sylvia and Emilia only nods. The gravity of the day must be sinking into her and last night is probably causing her mind to work overtime.

  As I eat, I get a few texts about last minute arrangements with the funeral home as well as one from Noah telling me Kyle got on a flight to California late last night.

  As I process Noah’s text, I place my phone on the table and pick up my coffee to drink while I watch Emilia pick at her food.

  My sense of authority over Emilia washes over me in waves. I like who I am becoming for her.

  “Sylvia, the only thing I’ll ask you to do for me today is to make sure you’ve got a couple of bottles of water on hand for Emilia.” I say and two sets of eyes look up at me.

  But not Emilia’s. Her eyes stay on her food. She knows I’m testing her boundaries. I’m waiting for her to challenge me and tell me she’s got her own water, but she doesn’t and Sylvia nods as she stands and excuses herself to the kitchen.

  When Sylvia returns with the bottles of water, the four of us slowly get ready and head out to the car waiting for us outside. Getting into the passenger seat, I gesture to our driver we’re ready to go.

  The car ride is quiet and I begin to mentally prepare myself to say goodbye to my mentor and good friend when my phone vibrates in my pocket.

  Noah: Heads up. Tawny is here and she’s sitting in the section reserved for family waiting for you.

  Well, shit.

  35

  Joshua

  “Sir, there is a woman out front in the family section. A Miss Davenfield. She says she is with you. Should I send her back to the family area?” The funeral home manager asks nervously as I exit the vehicle.

  I’m thankful the home took a list of family members allowed in the grieving area and Tawny is definitely not one of them.

  “No. Leave her there. I’ll get everyone settled and deal with her myself.” I reply before Emilia gets within earshot of our conversation.

  Tawny is the last thing anyone needs today, most of all Emilia.

  Turning to the women, I let the funeral director lead our group into the back area of the building. As the staff offer everyone something to drink and update them on the day, I excuse myself from Emilia and walk out front to see Tawny sitting alone in the family area probably feeling very out of place and craning her neck in every direction for sight of me.

  As her eyes land on mine, she stands, waiting for me to cross the room to get to her and I feel my blood heat up with every step I take toward her.

  “Miss Davenfield.” I offer through gritted teeth.

  “Oh, Joshua. I was worried about you. You never returned my texts last night.” She makes an attempt to lean in for a hug but I extend my hand for a shake and she sheepishly accepts it.

  “I had some things that required my att ention. What are you doing here?”

  “Of course I’d come, Dear. This is a difficult time for you and I’m here for you.” She answers.

  “I mean, what are you doing sitting in the section reserved for family?” I try to make my expression even more serious than before but I don’t think it’s possible.

  “Well, I just thought you needed someone here for you.” As she responds, I see her expression change. She knows she’s overstepped and I need to get back to the one who matters to me.

  “I appreciate your support, Tawny. This section is small and full but I notice there is a spot beside my mother in the back. Please join her. She could use a little support as well since it is her ex-husband she is saying goodbye to, today.”

  “Oh, of course, Joshua.” Her face lights up and I can only assume she is thankful for the grace offered rather than me throwing her out on her ass in front of so many distinguished friends of Adam’s.

  Checking my watch, I step back and wait for her to gather her purse and jacket. Then I let her take a few steps in my mother’s direction before turning toward the family room to gather the women as it is almost time to begin.

  With each step I take closer to Emilia, I feel my anger drain out of me. In my mind, there is no one else here to say goodbye but the two of us and, while I know she isn’t ready to publicly accept my support, I will stay near her until she goes to sleep tonight.

  As I enter the room, Rosalyn and Sylvia are talking quietly in one corner and they look up, silently shaking their heads. I glance around to see what they could be warning me against and I see Emilia standing in front of a table of memorabilia and photos of Adam. Staring back at her are pictures of her past with her parents.

  As she stands frozen, looking over them, I feel helpless. I can never give her the thing she wants the most, but I will do everything in my power to give her everything else.

  Defying the women’s suggestion, I take a step in Emilia’s direction. I normally would grant her this time, but we will be going out soon and there is something I need to give her.

  Without a word, I pull the little box from my pocket, open it and reach around in front of her to give her the contents.

  Her tear-stained face silently looks at my offering, then she meets my eyes for the first time today.

  “Thank you. I-I forgot it. Thank you.” She sobs a little as her fingers caress over the box and she takes her mother’s old ring out and slides it on her finger.

  There are so many things I want to say to her right now, but I grant her a few more minutes to herself as I walk back to meet the two women.

  “Thank you for remembering the ring.” Rosalyn says as they both stand to meet me. “She went up last night to get it for me to bring for her before…” Rosalyn ends mid-sentence, telling me she hasn’t had a chance to talk to Emilia about what happened with Kyle.

  It’s Emilia’s story to share if she chooses and I change the subject. “We have a couple of minutes before we go out front with everyone else. There is a washroom and mirrors if you need.”

  As I speak, I tilt my head in Emilia’s direction, silently suggesting they see if she needs to join them and both women walk across the room to her.

  Once the women leave into the side room, I return to the area where Emilia stood. Her childhood is in most of these photos.

  Smiling with her mom and dad, and some a little older with her and her father. I notice the relation between her age and her happiness here. As each year passed, her smile fell a little each time. The last photo was taken at her graduation and I never noticed the sadness in her eyes until now. Granted, I might have noticed it then but I chose to skip her big day and now I hate myself for it.

  Adam and Emily were the poster children for the perfect parents although knowing Adam and from what he told me about his late wife, both of them were too humble to have ever accepted that title. They provided Emilia with so much love, but they were strict. She had rules. I realize now how mistaken I was about her. I took her reserved nature as being snobbish when she was only watching the world around her work instead of judging it.

  She never did make me feel like I didn’t fit in. I was projecting my own feelings onto her. I felt I never fit in. I felt I was never good enough. All she was, was careful about who she trusted and who she gave her time to.

  She used to want to give her time to me, but I rejected it and now I need to earn it back.

  The epiphany hits me hard as Emilia’s hand on my shoulder jolts me out of my thoughts and I turn, startled, to look at her.

  Her eyes go wide as she takes me in and I feel a tear escape down my cheek as I swallow hard. Coughing to clear my mind, her voice is almost a whisper.

  “It’s time to say goodbye.”

  36

  Emilia

  I’ve been moving through today in a trance. Everything feels like I’m in the middle of a dream. Jumping from moment to moment and, as soon as it’s over, I’m moved onto the next thing. I’m introduced to someone I’ve never met before, offering their condolences. I nod and smile, then as soon as they are there, they are gone and the moment becomes a blur and repeats itself.

  As the funeral continued, I felt myself sink further and further into the background.

  Men and women spoke about my father and I couldn’t always make the connection between their words and the man I called Dad. I wasted the last five years of my life being away from him.

  Joshua was right, I could have gone to school here. Less than 20 minutes away from my father. I could have been in his life for the last five years, but I wasn’t. I was supposed to have time to come back. My dad was always supposed to be here. He was all I had left and I wasn’t here when he needed me.

  The rustle of bodies around me alerts me to stand with everyone else and I rise. I didn’t notice the pall bearers were already in position to carry my father out of the room. Even now, I feel like I can’t keep it together enough to say goodbye.

  My mind begins to focus on the details of the funeral. It was my father’s wish to have his casket at the funeral. But instead of being buried, he will be cremated after the service and his remains released to Joshua and I. The thought of having a snack while he is being taken to the crematorium steals my breath from me.

  Scanning the solemn faces of each man on the six sides of his casket, I feel a hand take my own and look over to see Sylvia, teary-eyed and offering a soft smile. Then another hand and Rosie leans in close.

  “How are you doing?” As Rosie whispers, my eyes land on Joshua, standing at the front corner of the casket and his eyes are on me.

  How long has he been watching me?

  “Um. I think I’m good. Did I do okay?” I ask. Right now, I don’t remember standing at the front to give the speech I wrote and I suddenly feel nervous that I let my dad down, again.

  “Your words were touching, Ems. Are you ready? We’re supposed to walk out before everyone else, remember?”

  Suddenly my body feels heavy and my feet are glued to the floor. “I can’t. Not yet. I’m not ready.” I panic. Rosalyn takes a quick glance over to Joshua who hasn’t taken his eyes off me and I see him nod at her and both her and Sylvia sit back down with me as I watch Joshua catch the funeral director’s attention, before leading the pallbearers, and my father, out of the room.

  “It’s okay, Emilia. Take all of the time you need. They will move everyone into the other room for refreshments.” I notice Sylvia patting my hand as she speaks, but I don’t feel it.

  “Thank you. Both of you. Thank you.” I feel the solemn glances from strangers as they leave the room and Sylvia offers me one of the water bottles Joshua asked her to bring earlier.

  Releasing my hand, Rosie takes the bottle and twists the cap, then places it in my free hand and I take a long drink before handing it back.

  I feel lost. Home is not a building or a location. Home is where the ones you love are.

  And I have no home.

  “Sylvia, why don’t you and Ros alyn go get some coffee and take a seat at the family table.” Joshua’s voice catches my attention but neither women move from my side so he continues, “I’d like to talk to Emilia. I’d like to introduce her to someone. It’s okay. We’ll join you shortly. Rosalyn, please put together a small plate for Emilia. She should eat something.”

  He speaks for me again and my mind and my heart conflict with feelings. I am an adult, and again I’m being treated as a child. But part of me wants to let go for once. Part of me wants to be taken care of. Part of me can’t fight her own battles today.

  My friends stand together and excuse themselves as I feel Joshua’s hand on my shoulder. Dropping my head, I feel myself collapse inside under his touch. Taking a deep breath, I will myself not to cry. I know there is someone else standing behind me. I take a quick moment to strengthen and prepare myself for yet another stranger giving me their generic sympathies, then stand and turn around.

  An immaculate woman gently reaches out her hand to shake my own and I gawk at her in surprise as I take her in. Her raven hair is tied back in a sophisticated yet plain bun and her makeup is perfect. Dressed in a simple black dress, she is anything but and she is stunning.

  “I—I’m sorry. I apologize.” I stammer, reaching out for her hand. I suddenly feel humbled standing in front of her and she smiles at my awkwardness.

  “Emilia, I’d like to introduce you to Alexandra Kelly. She knew your father.” Joshua speaks his last sentence slowly causing me to think there is something else he wanted to add.

  “I’m sorry we met like this, Emilia. Your father told me so much about you over the years.” She speaks with a familiarity I can’t return.

  “My father?” I start, then confusion sets in as both sets of eyes watch me.

  How has my father said so much about me, but nothing to me? This woman standing in front of me seems to know me on a personal level and I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost out on for so long. Just as I’m about to make my apologies for not knowing who she is, a name pops into my mouth.